My life as a MEG-A-STAR

I just walked in and there’s this picture of ME on the screen

Get this, right, I just walked in and Mum’s on the computer and there’s like this picture of ME on the screen, nothing unusual in that you’d think, given she takes 5000 of me every day – booooooring! So anyway, I said to her what are you doing? Like just making conversation, like you’re s’posed to do, being lockdown companions and stranded together on our 350 sq ft island of North London real estate. Seriously, it’s like Crusoe and Friday, no kidding, another day gone, another notch in the post, and no ships on the horizon.

Seriously, it’s like Crusoe and Friday and no ships on the horizon

Anyway, I could tell she’s like instantly cagey. ‘Oh nothing!’ she says, like could of fooled me, I’m not a total moron. ‘Let’s see,’ I said, and I like nudged her aside, and there it is right in front of me, she’s only writing a post on MY blog to mark MY ampuversary!

We been stuck in this lockdown since before time begun

Look, I said, I know there’s not much going on in your life, and we been stuck in this lockdown since time begun and before that as well, and I know you not got like so many resources as I have being a MegaStar, who can go anywhere in my head anyway whenever I want to and smell it as well, but seriously, do you know what I’m saying, it’s MY ampuversary, MY five years on MY three legs. Geddit? The clue’s in the ‘MY’. This is MY stuff to write about, find something of your own.

So then she gets all self righteous about it.  Well you haven’t updated your blog in forever, she goes, and I’m like don’t exaggerate, cos it’s hardly forever, is it? So then, she’s like I’ll tell you what. How about I interview you? Five questions, she says, one for each year on three, and I’m like I dunno, cause do you know what I’m saying, but then she goes on and on about it and on and on and on and on, till in the end, I’m like Oh for heavens sake, alright then I’ll do it, but just cos of lockdown and it beats doing another jigsaw.

An interview with HRH The MegaStar

So here it is, an interview with HRH The MegaStar on the occasion of her most extraordinary achievement of FIVE years on THREE legs when even the most royalist doctors said there was no way she’d be able to cope on three legs for five minutes let alone five years.

Three legs, four legs, don’t make much odds to me

Interviewer: So  how does it feel to have reached this monumental milestone?

Meg: Well I take these things in my stride to be honest, I mean that’s just how I am. Three legs four legs don’t really make much odds to me, but obviously it’s good for Tripawds, and dogs and cats in general and like the universe and everything, but I’m not one to make a fuss.

I take these things in my stride, to be honest. I mean, that’s just how I am.

Interviewer: So how did you celebrate the big day?

Meg: well it was obviously disappointing for my fans cause they’d been counting down the days and buying all the MegaStar merchandise to commemorate 5 years on 3. And they organised this petition to lift the lockdown just for my ampuversary and millions of people signed and the government said okay we’ll change the law cos otherwise, do you know what I’m saying there would have been a coup. So then the Prime Minister rung me up and he said, ‘Meg, you’ve got to help us out. Your ampuversary looks set to be a SuperSpreader event. Please,’ he said, ‘please can you call it off.’ So I said no I couldn’t could I, cos an ampuversary is like fixed. That’s the day my leg came off and it’s five years ago, and what am I supposed to do, stick my leg back on? So then he said well how about you ask them to celebrate quietly at home? So I said okay, cos I’m not like one to make a big fuss anyway. So that’s what we done and Mum and I spent the day in the river and then I had steak for tea and that was that.

Mum and I spent the day in the river

Interviewer: It’s been a challenging year for everyone with the pandemic, but I understand you’ve been doing your bit to help lift people’s spirits. Can you tell us a bit about it?

I understand you’ve been doing your bit to help lift people’s spirits…

Meg: Well it’s just how I am, isn’t it, to be honest. I don’t do anything particular except for just to be myself and that seems to make everyone happy. The main thing is, when I’m out in my buggy I always stop to say hello to people and they always stop to say hello to me, and even when people are just walking past you can see how i make them smile cos that’s just how I am.

You can see how I make people smile

Interviewer: So looking ahead to your sixth year on three, what plans have you got, assuming the lockdown will lift at some point?

Mostly I just grab every moment and make the most of it

Meg: Well you know what, I’m not so much of a planner. Mostly I just grab every moment and make the most of it. Cos anyway you never know what’s just around the corner, and if you plan too much you tend to miss what’s happening right now, and I tend to find what’s happening right now is usually the best bit. I am going to go to Wales though. That’s definite. I went to Wales last Summer, and Mum and her friend carried me all the way up a mountain in my buggy, so I’d like to do that all over again and even though Mum says absolutely no way on earth over her dead body and she must of been out of her mind.

You never know what’s just around the corner…

Interviewer: Sounds good. So finally, Meg, as a senior Tripawd, do you have any words of wisdom for those just beginning their three-legged journey?

Meg: Milk it. Do you know what I’m saying? It’s all about attitude. I mean seriously there is NOTHING in life you cannot turn to your advantage if you look at it the right way?

Interviewer: Would you care you elaborate?

Meg: No. And that’s six questions.

My official five years on three portrait

 

So, I’m always on at Mum to let me go on a train. ‘No way,’ she says. ‘Absolutely no way…’

‘But Else got to go on the train,’ I tell her. ‘And buses. She liked to go on the top deck. She’d sit right at the front and pretend she was driving.’

She’d sit right at the front and pretend she was driving.

‘That was Else,’ says Mum. ‘You’re you.’ Which is like the most unhelpful comment ever. I’m like, ‘Yeah, so what are you saying?’

‘You know very well what I’m saying, Meg,’ she says. ‘Don’t give me that look. You remember what happened…’

‘But that was YEARS ago,’ I say.

‘It doesn’t feel like it,’ says Mum.

‘I can’t believe you’re STILL banging on about it…,’ I said, like give me a break. What happened was nothing basically. And it wasn’t my fault anyway. This busker got on, like came right in my carriage so I told him to get off, I mean as you do, and he’s really like arsey, starts playing his guitar, if you can call it playing, which you can’t, I mean not anything you’d call music, not unless you were deaf, do you know what I’m saying… Anyway, so I’m like this has got to STOP, not just for me but like everyone, it’s the worst sound you ever heard in your life, so I make a grab for his guitar, like spare us.  And all it is is a big stick basically, but you never heard such a fuss as there was, and nobody stuck up for me, no one, and we had to get off the train in disgrace, Me, Mum and Pie, and walk all the way home, and Mum said never again and we never did.

But like I say, that was YEARS ago. I’m like get over it, be more dog… So, on Thursday, right, it’s this BEAUTIFUL day. And it’s been damp and grey, like forever, but on Thursday, it’s suddenly bright blue sky and sunny and crisp, and guess what, the car’s in the garage, so I’m like let’s go to the Heath, and Mum says ‘I’m sorry, Meg, we can’t; the car’s in the garage,’ like I knew she would, like walking straight into my trap. ‘It’s a shame we can’t go by train,’ I said, all innocent. ‘It’s such a shame…’ ‘I know,’ she said. ‘But we can’t, and that’s that,’ and I just kind of shrugged, like okay whatever, but I made sure I looked a bit downcast, cause it might be the last sunny day we get ever, and I waited, cause I seen the seed was sown.

So maybe half an hour later, she looks at me. ‘I suppose we could try…,’ she says, and I’m like really noncommittal, like well only if you’re sure… So that decides her. ‘Come on,’ she says. ‘What’s the worst that can happen. Actually, don’t answer that,’ she adds quickly.’

So we did, and do you know what. It was the best day ever, and we took some photos to show you.

First we walked up to the station, which was really exciting, and they opened the special wide gates for us to go through.

Then we got a lift down to the platform, so we didn’t have to use the stairs, and it was really good fun and Mum let me press the buttons.

Then on the train, I got lots of treats. ‘Top quality treats,’ says Mum, ‘that’s the secret to travelling with dogs,’ which was quite rude actually, except they were nice treats.

We got to Hampstead Heath in no time at all, which I’d like the journey to have lasted longer, but we climbed up Parliament hill and you could see all over London, which was cool, and we still had the journey back to look forward to too.

Then I got out for a hop and did some digging and just enjoyed hanging out in the sun.

We went for tea at Kenwood and I got a sausage and then it was time to go home. At the station we got in the lift again, except the sign for the lift didn’t have any dogs on, which Mum and me both thought was wrong, so we fixed it for them.

Then we waited on the platform and I was so excited for the train to come.

And here I am on the train, which you can see how perfectly behaved I am and how there’s no reason not to take me anywhere.

Then we were home. ‘You must be tired,’ said Mum. But I wasn’t, not at all, not the tiniest bit. In fact, I was already planning our next adventure.

Thank you for reading,

Lots of love, from

Meg xxx

First things first, it’s Mum’s fault not mine that I haven’t updated my blog for so long. Seriously, I’ve been on and on at her. I’m like, ‘I need the computer, Mum. Come on!’ ‘In a minute, Meg,’ she says, and like nine months later, do you know what I’m saying! I’m like, ‘Mum, I got fans need to know what I’m up to.’ ‘Meg,’ she says. ‘Stop pestering me. I’ll let you have it in a minute.’ I’m like, ‘Whatever!’ Seriously, she got no idea about sharing.

So now I got LOADS to update you on, which mainly I reckon I’ll show you the pics, cos you know how they say like a picture tells a thousand words, and there’s no way I’ll have time to type all that, even with my paw flying so fast it’s like blurrrrr, before she kicks me off again.

First though, just quickly, I got to tell you about my new doctor, which Mum insists on calling her The Three-legged Vet, but I prefer her official title of Personal Physician to the MegaStar. Anyway, she just happened to be covering in our local vets one day when I called in for a health check, and when I come hopping in, she was like really happy, which people usually are to be perfectly honest but turns out there’s more to it, cos she told me and Mum that she used to have a three-legged dog when she was a kid, and in fact that’s why she become a vet cos she wanted her dog to live forever, which she lived to nineteen, which ain’t forever, but you got to agree it ain’t a bad innings neither. And turns out when she was at Vet school she done her dissertation on the gait of three-legged dogs and they give her a distinction for it, and basically her whole career has been one long preparation for the role of personal physician to the MegaStar, so no surprises she was so happy when I come hopping in.

So she’s called Dr Charlotte and now she sees us every three months, and this is my regimen she got me on, in case you’re interested, which Mum says you might be, which I can’t see why except for that’s how it is when you’re a MegaStar, they want to know every detail. This is for my arthritis in my elbow and foot, and I also have acupuncture and laser every two weeks at the moment cos of the cold and damp, which Mum says is bankrupting her and I’m like ‘Well let’s move somewhere warm then.’

So, every day I take:

Metacam

Gabapentin

Paracetamol (Tylenol)

Amantadine

CBD oil

and also Dasuquin and fish oil.

And next month I’ll have been three years on three, and when they said I never could, which just goes to show why a MegaStar needs her own Personal Physician, make sure nobody ain’t never tempted to underestimate her again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In November, the MegaStar’s TENTH BIRTHDAY was marked by celebrations across the globe. This was our private one, at home. If you look close, you can see the cake’s got eleven candles. That’s cos my tenth birthday  was also Pie’s eleventh, and we lit one for her, so she was celebrating with us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So this is how the MegaStar spends her days…

We go for lovely long walks in the forest…

And I check out the squirrels…

Before going for a swim…

If it’s nice, I’ll relax for a while on a bench…

Then home for a snooze by the fire…

I like to keep the MegaBrain active, so Mum gave me a Dog Sudoku for Christmas. I’m like ‘Dog Sudoku? DOG Sudoku???!!! What other sort of Sudoku is there!’

Mostly Mum listens to what I tell her

Don’t be cheeky, Meg, she says.

But I know she loves me really, cos who could resist!

On Saturday, it will be a whole year since Pie left us. Sometimes, when I’m missing her really badly, I lie with my head on Pie’s gorilla. It still smells of her, and if I listen really hard I can hear her talking to me. Mum says I’m imagining it, but I’m not.

So now I better go before Mum starts on at me for hogging the computer. I wouldn’t put it past her, seriously. And I bet she blames me as well, just saying, for how long it’s been since I last updated, I bet she does, do you know what I’m saying, well at least you know th…. alright, I’m stopping now… I AM!… ALRIGHT!!!

Word has reached Pie Palace of the impending nuptials between an American actress and a British prince, in the light of which it has found it necessary to release the following statement:

There is only one Princess Meg.

Pie Palace will not be commenting further on this matter.