I just walked in and there’s this picture of ME on the screen
Get this, right, I just walked in and Mum’s on the computer and there’s like this picture of ME on the screen, nothing unusual in that you’d think, given she takes 5000 of me every day – booooooring! So anyway, I said to her what are you doing? Like just making conversation, like you’re s’posed to do, being lockdown companions and stranded together on our 350 sq ft island of North London real estate. Seriously, it’s like Crusoe and Friday, no kidding, another day gone, another notch in the post, and no ships on the horizon.
Seriously, it’s like Crusoe and Friday and no ships on the horizon
Anyway, I could tell she’s like instantly cagey. ‘Oh nothing!’ she says, like could of fooled me, I’m not a total moron. ‘Let’s see,’ I said, and I like nudged her aside, and there it is right in front of me, she’s only writing a post on MY blog to mark MY ampuversary!
We been stuck in this lockdown since before time begun
Look, I said, I know there’s not much going on in your life, and we been stuck in this lockdown since time begun and before that as well, and I know you not got like so many resources as I have being a MegaStar, who can go anywhere in my head anyway whenever I want to and smell it as well, but seriously, do you know what I’m saying, it’s MY ampuversary, MY five years on MY three legs. Geddit? The clue’s in the ‘MY’. This is MY stuff to write about, find something of your own.
So then she gets all self righteous about it. Well you haven’t updated your blog in forever, she goes, and I’m like don’t exaggerate, cos it’s hardly forever, is it? So then, she’s like I’ll tell you what. How about I interview you? Five questions, she says, one for each year on three, and I’m like I dunno, cause do you know what I’m saying, but then she goes on and on about it and on and on and on and on, till in the end, I’m like Oh for heavens sake, alright then I’ll do it, but just cos of lockdown and it beats doing another jigsaw.
An interview with HRH The MegaStar
So here it is, an interview with HRH The MegaStar on the occasion of her most extraordinary achievement of FIVE years on THREE legs when even the most royalist doctors said there was no way she’d be able to cope on three legs for five minutes let alone five years.
Three legs, four legs, don’t make much odds to me
Interviewer: So how does it feel to have reached this monumental milestone?
Meg: Well I take these things in my stride to be honest, I mean that’s just how I am. Three legs four legs don’t really make much odds to me, but obviously it’s good for Tripawds, and dogs and cats in general and like the universe and everything, but I’m not one to make a fuss.
I take these things in my stride, to be honest. I mean, that’s just how I am.
Interviewer: So how did you celebrate the big day?
Meg: well it was obviously disappointing for my fans cause they’d been counting down the days and buying all the MegaStar merchandise to commemorate 5 years on 3. And they organised this petition to lift the lockdown just for my ampuversary and millions of people signed and the government said okay we’ll change the law cos otherwise, do you know what I’m saying there would have been a coup. So then the Prime Minister rung me up and he said, ‘Meg, you’ve got to help us out. Your ampuversary looks set to be a SuperSpreader event. Please,’ he said, ‘please can you call it off.’ So I said no I couldn’t could I, cos an ampuversary is like fixed. That’s the day my leg came off and it’s five years ago, and what am I supposed to do, stick my leg back on? So then he said well how about you ask them to celebrate quietly at home? So I said okay, cos I’m not like one to make a big fuss anyway. So that’s what we done and Mum and I spent the day in the river and then I had steak for tea and that was that.
Mum and I spent the day in the river
Interviewer: It’s been a challenging year for everyone with the pandemic, but I understand you’ve been doing your bit to help lift people’s spirits. Can you tell us a bit about it?
I understand you’ve been doing your bit to help lift people’s spirits…
Meg: Well it’s just how I am, isn’t it, to be honest. I don’t do anything particular except for just to be myself and that seems to make everyone happy. The main thing is, when I’m out in my buggy I always stop to say hello to people and they always stop to say hello to me, and even when people are just walking past you can see how i make them smile cos that’s just how I am.
You can see how I make people smile
Interviewer: So looking ahead to your sixth year on three, what plans have you got, assuming the lockdown will lift at some point?
Mostly I just grab every moment and make the most of it
Meg: Well you know what, I’m not so much of a planner. Mostly I just grab every moment and make the most of it. Cos anyway you never know what’s just around the corner, and if you plan too much you tend to miss what’s happening right now, and I tend to find what’s happening right now is usually the best bit. I am going to go to Wales though. That’s definite. I went to Wales last Summer, and Mum and her friend carried me all the way up a mountain in my buggy, so I’d like to do that all over again and even though Mum says absolutely no way on earth over her dead body and she must of been out of her mind.
You never know what’s just around the corner…
Interviewer: Sounds good. So finally, Meg, as a senior Tripawd, do you have any words of wisdom for those just beginning their three-legged journey?
Meg: Milk it. Do you know what I’m saying? It’s all about attitude. I mean seriously there is NOTHING in life you cannot turn to your advantage if you look at it the right way?
Interviewer: Would you care you elaborate?
Meg: No. And that’s six questions.
My official five years on three portrait