AN AMPU-BIRTHDAY IS DEFINITELY A THING!!!

So next week is the most important week so far in my whole life ever. On Monday I get to be eight years old, which is the most years old I’ve ever been, and then Wednesday is my eight month ampuversary, which is my biggest ampuversary ever. ‘Mum,’ I said, ‘I know you’re really busy, and I don’t want you going to loads of trouble just for a ragged old mutt like me, so if you want to combine my two parties into one, then honestly I totally understand. I mean, we’d obviously do separate presents and cakes, and steaks of course on Monday and Wednesday, but you don’t need to plan two parties as well. We could just have one great big massive one, an Ampu-birthday celebration and invite all my superstar megafriends, and honestly I won’t be upset.’

Well I thought she’d be pleased to see she’d raised such a considerate, thoughtful dog. Meg, she’d say, I’m so proud of you. Thinking of others before yourself. Here, have a piece of chicken. Instead, she’s just sat there staring at me, like what are you talking about! ‘Meg,’ she says, eventually.’I told you. I’m going away!’

I thought it was a wind up, I honestly did. I’m like pull the other one!

‘I told you,’ she said. ‘I’ve got to work. There’s bills to pay.’ Like that’s some sort of excuse. ‘I’m going to Wales. I told you, Meg.’

‘Wales!’ I said. ‘Can I come too?’ Wales is my favourite place in the world. It’s full of sheep and mountains and lakes and sheep. Did I mention the sheep?

‘No,’ she said. ‘You know you can’t. And don’t look at me like that,’ she said. ‘I know what you’re thinking. Stop it.’

‘I’m not,’ I said.

‘Not what?’ she said.

‘I’m not thinking about sheep,’ I said. And she looked at me like gotcha.

fullsizeoutput_b‘You’re missing my Ampu-Birthday,’ I said. 

Then we argued some more but she wouldn’t budge. ‘I’ll make it up to you,’ she said.

‘You’re missing my Ampu-Birthday,’ I said. ‘How can you ever make up for that?’

‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Meg,’ she said. ‘Look, I can’t help it! I’m sorry, okay, but I really can’t help it. I’ve got to go and you can’t come with me and that’s all there is to it, so  just stop going on. And besides,’ she said, ‘an Ampu-Birthday’s not even a thing, okay?’

Which is wrong, cos it is. It most definitely is.  An Ampu-Birthday is definitely a thing.

To be continued…

 

HAPPY AMPUVERSARY!!!!

So today is my seven month ampuversary, right, and Mum wanted to take some pictures to mark it, and I’m like okay, whatever.

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My 7 month ampuversary portrait.

But then, right, I look round and she’s taking one of Elsie…

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Elsie, posing.

And I’m like, hang on a minute, I thought you said it was my ampuversary! Cos you know that’s Else, right? I mean, I know we look very similar and it’s an easy enough mistake to make, but if you’re not sure, right, just count the legs, cos last time I checked Elsie still had four, which is very strange seeing as how she gets an ampuversary portrait!

The thing is Mum’s all over the moon because she thought Elsie needed an operation and now she doesn’t after all, and Elsie’s like totally full of it cos she got to see this leg doctor, and to be perfectly honest I’m surprised they remembered my ampuversary at all, cos I’m the last dog anyone thinks of. And now Elsie’s going to see my rehab vet, my rehab vet, do you know what I’m saying! ‘You know she’s going to put you on a diet?’ I said. ‘I’ll bet you anything.’ ‘Pig’s ear,’ says Else. ‘Alright,’ I said. ‘I’ll bet you a pig’s ear, but you won’t be allowed to eat it. No more pig’s ears for you,’ I said. ‘No more paté on toast, no more game pie…’ ‘Stop it!’ said Else, and she looked like she was going to start crying.

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‘You know she’s going to put you on a diet?’ I said.

So then I felt a bit guilty, cos she is my sister and she’s not that bad, at least not all the time, only I do wish she wouldn’t get excited and shout when we’re supposed to be stalking squirrels.

‘Look!’ I said. ‘Do you see over there! There’s some tree stumps. Let’s go climbing!’ So we did and it was really fun, cos we both love climbing tree stumps. Then Else said something but I didn’t hear. ‘What was that?’ I said. And she said it again, and I still didn’t hear. ‘You’ll have to speak louder,’ I said. ‘I can’t hear.’ ‘HAPPY AMPUVERSARY!’ she shouted.

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We both love climbing trees stumps.

 

Sleeping on the Job

So Meg was supposed to be writing her blog. She’s got this thing about needing her own space to write. ‘I’ve got to update my blog,’ she said, like really self important. ‘I’m going in the back and I don’t want to be disturbed.’  Well after a bit, I realised that I couldn’t hear anything. Meg’s a pretty heavy typer, and when she’s in the flow you can hear that keyboard clacking right through the house. ‘What’s she doing?’ I said to Elsie, but Elsie just grunted. ‘How would I know?’ ‘I can’t hear her laughing,’ I said. ‘Can you? She always laughs when she’s writing her blog.’ ‘She thinks she’s so funny,’ said Elsie, and grunted again.

So anyway, I snuck though the back, opened the door really quietly and this is what I found.

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It seems Meg’s update has been delayed. I blame the squirrels.

Apologies,

Meg’s Mum.

Do I Look Like I’m Not Coping?

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My 6½ month ampuversary portrait

So this is my official 6½ month ampuversary portrait. My six month ampuversary was two weeks ago and I enjoyed it so much I decided to celebrate my half month ampuversaries too. That way you get double. I love celebrations. Right now I’m celebrating Autumn too. Autumn is definitely Meg season. Mum says I’m the colour of Autumn leaves, like Autumn leaves after a long hot Summer, that’s what she says and she gets all misty eyed and I’m like cringe.

The good thing about being the colour of Autumn leaves is the squirrels can’t see you coming. I love squirrels. I’m definitely celebrating squirrels. In fact, here’s a pic of me doing just that. There aren’t many leaves yet, cos it’s only just Autumn but there will be soon and everything will just keep getting better and better.img_2343

Me celebrating squirrels

So anyway, what I wanted to say, which it’s hard to keep track of what with all the celebrating, is that 18 months ago this specialist vet with lots of letters after his name, told Mum there was no way I could cope on three legs. No way, he said. It’s not an option. And he was very definite about it. And the thing is Mum very nearly believed him. I didn’t, not for a second, but Mum very nearly did. So what I wanted to say is just think if she had, all the celebrating I’d of missed out on! And it just goes to show, that’s all I’m saying, it just goes to show, cos seriously, do I look like I’m not coping?

BOOOORRRRING!!!

Mum says I’m doing her head in. This is hurtful and unfair. Is it my fault if I can’t go for walks at the moment cos of my shoulder? ‘For Dog sake, Meg!’  she said. ‘It’s not my job to amuse you 24/7!’ When actually that is precisely her job, word for word pretty much, straight from the job description. ‘I’ve got to work, Meg!’ she said. ‘We’ve got bills to pay!’ – an unsubtle and frankly uncalled for reference to the fact we are up to our ears in debt after almost a year trying to save my leg and then finally having it taken off – my fault as well I suppose.

It’s not like I’m not trying. I’ve done puzzlesIMG_2256

And more puzzlesIMG_2326

And Kongs, as wellIMG_2305

I’ve done my best to keep myself entertainedIMG_1868

And I’ve even sat quietly for like ten minutes admiring the sceneryIMG_2306

Elsie’s about as much fun as a jigsaw. I’m like ‘Talk to me, Elsie! Let’s play a game.’ Zero response. I mean zero._1010394

And this is the most exciting thing that has happened in like FOREVER!IMG_2288

 

I said to Mum, ‘How much longer till I can go for a walk and swim and stuff?’ ‘I don’t know, Meg!’ she said. ‘I don’t know! But pestering me all day non stop is not going to make it happen any quicker!’ So much for sympathy. ‘Can’t you just go and read a book or something?’ she said, when she knows I hate reading more than anything, always have. So I thought instead I’d maybe post something on here, see if any o’ you fellow Tripawds got any ideas.