So next week is the most important week so far in my whole life ever. On Monday I get to be eight years old, which is the most years old I’ve ever been, and then Wednesday is my eight month ampuversary, which is my biggest ampuversary ever. ‘Mum,’ I said, ‘I know you’re really busy, and I don’t want you going to loads of trouble just for a ragged old mutt like me, so if you want to combine my two parties into one, then honestly I totally understand. I mean, we’d obviously do separate presents and cakes, and steaks of course on Monday and Wednesday, but you don’t need to plan two parties as well. We could just have one great big massive one, an Ampu-birthday celebration and invite all my superstar megafriends, and honestly I won’t be upset.’
Well I thought she’d be pleased to see she’d raised such a considerate, thoughtful dog. Meg, she’d say, I’m so proud of you. Thinking of others before yourself. Here, have a piece of chicken. Instead, she’s just sat there staring at me, like what are you talking about! ‘Meg,’ she says, eventually.’I told you. I’m going away!’
I thought it was a wind up, I honestly did. I’m like pull the other one!
‘I told you,’ she said. ‘I’ve got to work. There’s bills to pay.’ Like that’s some sort of excuse. ‘I’m going to Wales. I told you, Meg.’
‘Wales!’ I said. ‘Can I come too?’ Wales is my favourite place in the world. It’s full of sheep and mountains and lakes and sheep. Did I mention the sheep?
‘No,’ she said. ‘You know you can’t. And don’t look at me like that,’ she said. ‘I know what you’re thinking. Stop it.’
‘I’m not,’ I said.
‘Not what?’ she said.
‘I’m not thinking about sheep,’ I said. And she looked at me like gotcha.
‘You’re missing my Ampu-Birthday,’ I said.
Then we argued some more but she wouldn’t budge. ‘I’ll make it up to you,’ she said.
‘You’re missing my Ampu-Birthday,’ I said. ‘How can you ever make up for that?’
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Meg,’ she said. ‘Look, I can’t help it! I’m sorry, okay, but I really can’t help it. I’ve got to go and you can’t come with me and that’s all there is to it, so just stop going on. And besides,’ she said, ‘an Ampu-Birthday’s not even a thing, okay?’
Which is wrong, cos it is. It most definitely is. An Ampu-Birthday is definitely a thing.
To be continued…