My life as a MEG-A-STAR

Ten months ago, I lost my leg,

So now I’ve just got three.

I couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss,

I’m happy as can be.

Meg, says Mum, if you just keep quiet for fifteen minutes while I finish this work, you can have anything you want. Anything? I said. Within reason, she said. That’s not anything, I said. Meg, she said, I mean it, be quiet. Alright! I said, I was only saying. What about me? says Elsie, who’d been sleeping anyway, made no difference to her. You too, said Mum. But I’m serious. I want fifteen minutes of silence.

Well I’ve got no problems keeping quiet, but Elsie, it’s just ridiculous. She keeps scratching and snorting and digging the cushions and pulling the stuffing out of her duck and scratching and snorting again. Is it time? she says, like every ten seconds. Come on, it must be time!

If you don’t stop fidgeting, Elsie, said Mum, you’ll have no treats at all and no tea tonight either, which neither of us believed a word, but it did the trick anyway, Elsie just froze like playing statues, and she never took her eyes off Mum.

Elsie just froze like playing statues, and she never took her eyes off Mum

Alright, said Mum, finally. What would you like? Sausagelivergamepie,’said Elsie immediately, and she started drooling, like literally drooling, just at the thought of it. Which? said Mum, but she couldn’t decide cause whichever she chose meant she didn’t get the other two, and she started to panic at the thought of it, which is Elsie all over, glass half empty, always.

Meg? said Mum, cause I’d been waiting really patiently, but I knew what I wanted, obviously. I was just biding my time. Beach please, I said. Oh Meg! said Mum. What? I said.  Well, she said. It’s just, you know, you need to take it a bit easy and the beach, I mean, I know you love the beach, but it’s just you maybe love it a little toooo much. I didn’t say a word. I just looked at her. Alright, she said. The beach it is. But promise me you won’t overdo it. I was already rushing out the door. Of course I won’t! I shouted.

So I took it really easy.

I went for a paddle…

  

Nothing over the top at all…

And I had a little stroll in the edge of the sea…

And pottered along on the beach for a bit…

Nothing over the top at all…

Just chilling, really…

‘Scuse me, said Else. ‘Scuse me! I’ve decided. Can I have Game Pie, please?

You can, said Mum. And we did, as well. When we got home, we had Game Pie. Then Else went to sleep, but I stayed up and chatted to Mum for a bit. Mum? I said. Yes, Meg, she said. I was wondering… I said. I was wondering… if we’re quiet tomorrow, can we do it all over again?

Nine months post amp and I am loving my Megastar life on three! The only thing is I’m worried that now my memory seems to be going. Can someone remind me, what was that fourth leg for?

So this morning Pie turns up for the walk, dressed like… well, I don’t know how you’d describe it. ‘What is that?’ I said. ‘What’s what?’ she said. ‘That,’ I said. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘This? This is my new jumper.’ ‘And the colour,’ I said. ‘What about it?’ she says. ‘It’s giving me a headache,’ I said. ‘So don’t look at me then,’ she says, like proper full-on sulking.

‘Oh,’ she said. ‘This? This is my new jumper.’

Well we ignored each other for a bit, I mean as best you can when you’re out for a walk with a flashing Belisha beacon, but then I got thinking about it.

Then I got thinking about it.

‘Else,’ I said. ‘I think I know why you chose that colour.’ ‘I’m not interested,’ she said. ‘Okay, why?’ ‘It’s because you want to be seen,’ I said. ‘Cause you feel like nobody notices you.’ ‘Who are you, my shrink?’ she said. But I could tell I’d struck a chord.

‘I’m not interested,’ she said.

‘Everyone thinks you’re amazing,’ she said. ‘Especially now you’ve got three legs, but nobody notices me at all.’ ‘I do,’ I said. ‘And so does Mum.’ ‘Nobody else,’ she said.

Well, we carried on walking and I kept trying to think of ways to cheer her up, but nothing seemed to work. ‘It’s not about what you wear,’ I said. ‘It’s about what you do.’ ‘But I can’t do anything,’ she said. ‘Of course you can!’ I said. ‘Like what?’ she said. I thought for a bit. ‘Well you’re very good at eating,’ I said.

So then I went off to check on some hares, and I looked round and right in front of Elsie, suddenly there’s this deer.

Right in front of Elsie, suddenly there’s this deer.

‘Else!’ I called. ‘Else!’ but she was already on it, running like you’d never believe she could run, I mean seriously Flying Pie!

I rushed over to help.

But, I’m not being modest, I couldn’t even catch her.

Then I checked for her, just to make sure the deer was really and properly gone.

‘Nice work, Elsie Pie,’ I said. ‘That was amazing! You were amazing! Talk about Flying Pie!’

And she was so happy she rolled on her back and waved her legs in the air.

‘It’s cos of my jumper,’ she said. ‘It’s magic. When I wear it, I can do magic things.’ ‘Nah,’ I said, and I really meant it. ‘It’s not your jumper that’s magic, Else. It’s you.’

Now I realise that, as a Megastar, photoshoots go with the territory, but lately Mum’s been getting a little bit what I can only describe as snap happy. It’s the light, she says, you look so beautiful in this clear Autumn light, I’m like, yada yada, talk to the paw, whatever Mum, can we just go? Just a second, she says, and it never is, just a second, I mean, she’s like non stop faffing. Don’t move, she says. I’m like, this is a walk? A walk, okay? Geddit? The clue’s in the name. You’re supposed to keep walking. One second, Meg! she says. One second! But, like I say, never is.

Then Elsie, starts wingeing, cos she’s cold. Honest to Dog, the pair of them! So mostly I go chase a deer or something, and Mum’s like, ooh quick, that would make a good shot, which she can’t catch me anyway, not a chance, cos I’m superfast, like a streak of red lightning, except even faster, I really honestly am.

Course, when I want to stop, it’s a different story. Come on, Meg, you don’t want to go in again! It’s too cold for swimming. I’m like have you been in? No? Well I think I’m the one best placed to judge what’s too cold and what’s not too cold and what’s just right for me, don’t you? It’s icing up round the edge, she says. Which is just how I like it, I say, now please, will you throw the ball in again?

I realise that, as a Megastar, photoshoots go with the territory

It’s the light, she says, you look so beautiful in this clear Autumn light

I’m like, yada yada, talk to the paw, whatever Mum, can we just go?

Elsie, starts wingeing, cos she’s cold

Now please, will you throw the ball in again?