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My life as a MEG-A-STAR

The amazing adventures of Tripawd Meg

My life as a MEG-A-STAR

Elsie Pie Goes Flying

December 5th, 2016 · 4 Comments · Uncategorized

So this morning Pie turns up for the walk, dressed like… well, I don’t know how you’d describe it. ‘What is that?’ I said. ‘What’s what?’ she said. ‘That,’ I said. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘This? This is my new jumper.’ ‘And the colour,’ I said. ‘What about it?’ she says. ‘It’s giving me a headache,’ I said. ‘So don’t look at me then,’ she says, like proper full-on sulking.

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‘Oh,’ she said. ‘This? This is my new jumper.’

Well we ignored each other for a bit, I mean as best you can when you’re out for a walk with a flashing Belisha beacon, but then I got thinking about it.

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Then I got thinking about it.

‘Else,’ I said. ‘I think I know why you chose that colour.’ ‘I’m not interested,’ she said. ‘Okay, why?’ ‘It’s because you want to be seen,’ I said. ‘Cause you feel like nobody notices you.’ ‘Who are you, my shrink?’ she said. But I could tell I’d struck a chord.

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‘I’m not interested,’ she said.

‘Everyone thinks you’re amazing,’ she said. ‘Especially now you’ve got three legs, but nobody notices me at all.’ ‘I do,’ I said. ‘And so does Mum.’ ‘Nobody else,’ she said.

Well, we carried on walking and I kept trying to think of ways to cheer her up, but nothing seemed to work. ‘It’s not about what you wear,’ I said. ‘It’s about what you do.’ ‘But I can’t do anything,’ she said. ‘Of course you can!’ I said. ‘Like what?’ she said. I thought for a bit. ‘Well you’re very good at eating,’ I said.

So then I went off to check on some hares, and I looked round and right in front of Elsie, suddenly there’s this deer.

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Right in front of Elsie, suddenly there’s this deer.

‘Else!’ I called. ‘Else!’ but she was already on it, running like you’d never believe she could run, I mean seriously Flying Pie!

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I rushed over to help.

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But, I’m not being modest, I couldn’t even catch her.

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Then I checked for her, just to make sure the deer was really and properly gone.fullsizeoutput_b2e

‘Nice work, Elsie Pie,’ I said. ‘That was amazing! You were amazing! Talk about Flying Pie!’

And she was so happy she rolled on her back and waved her legs in the air.

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‘It’s cos of my jumper,’ she said. ‘It’s magic. When I wear it, I can do magic things.’ ‘Nah,’ I said, and I really meant it. ‘It’s not your jumper that’s magic, Else. It’s you.’

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Snap Happy Momma

December 4th, 2016 · 1 Comment · Uncategorized

Now I realise that, as a Megastar, photoshoots go with the territory, but lately Mum’s been getting a little bit what I can only describe as snap happy. It’s the light, she says, you look so beautiful in this clear Autumn light, I’m like, yada yada, talk to the paw, whatever Mum, can we just go? Just a second, she says, and it never is, just a second, I mean, she’s like non stop faffing. Don’t move, she says. I’m like, this is a walk? A walk, okay? Geddit? The clue’s in the name. You’re supposed to keep walking. One second, Meg! she says. One second! But, like I say, never is.

Then Elsie, starts wingeing, cos she’s cold. Honest to Dog, the pair of them! So mostly I go chase a deer or something, and Mum’s like, ooh quick, that would make a good shot, which she can’t catch me anyway, not a chance, cos I’m superfast, like a streak of red lightning, except even faster, I really honestly am.

Course, when I want to stop, it’s a different story. Come on, Meg, you don’t want to go in againIt’s too cold for swimming. I’m like have you been in? No? Well I think I’m the one best placed to judge what’s too cold and what’s not too cold and what’s just right for me, don’t you? It’s icing up round the edge, she says. Which is just how I like it, I say, now please, will you throw the ball in again?

fullsizeoutput_955I realise that, as a Megastar, photoshoots go with the territory

img_2895It’s the light, she says, you look so beautiful in this clear Autumn light

fullsizeoutput_b22I’m like, yada yada, talk to the paw, whatever Mum, can we just go?

fullsizeoutput_b20Elsie, starts wingeing, cos she’s cold

_1020420Now please, will you throw the ball in again?

 

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The Ampu-Birthday Part 2

November 5th, 2016 · 17 Comments · Uncategorized

Well I thought I’d better update you all quickly because I know how worried you must have been about this situation with Mum going away and leaving us, and not even caring, and no celebrations at all. So what happened was Elsie and I called a crisis meeting and Elsie was really, really upset because Monday is actually her birthday too (which I maybe forgot to mention before) and she’s going to be nine, and she’s not getting any party either. The reason we have the same birthday is cos when I got adopted nobody even knew when my birthday was. So Mum said I  could have an Official birthday like the Queen, on the same day as Elsie’s actual birthday, as in the day she was actually born, which nobody knows about me. Elsie said it was worse for her because Mum’s going to miss her actual birthday and only my official one, and I said it was worse for me cause she’s missing my ampuversary too, and we argued about that for a bit. Then I said to Elsie, ‘Look at us, sat here squabbling! We’ve got to work together on this.’ And Elsie said okay. So what we decided was there was no point just talking any more cos Mum wasn’t even listening. We decided we had to take action. Elsie says it was her idea, but it wasn’t, it was mine. We held a sit in protest half way up the stairs, and nobody could go up or down unless they agreed to our demands, which we wrote on a piece of paper and left on the table for Mum. ‘What if it gets to dinner time?’ Elsie said. ‘Do we still have to sit here?’ ‘Do you ever think of anything apart from your stomach?’ I asked her. ‘Not really,’ she said.

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We held a sit in protest half way up the stairs 

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We wrote a list of our demands and left it on the table

Well when Mum saw the list, she started laughing. ‘Honestly!’ she said. ‘Did you really think I’d forget your birthdays?… And your ampuversary, Meg. You’d better come down here…’ I didn’t know whether to trust her or not after everything she put me through over the past twenty-four hours. But Elsie was already rushing downstairs cos she thought there might be food involved, so then I had to follow.

And you know what, while we were sitting on the stairs she’d done up the sitting room all ready for our party with banners and everything.

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She’d done up the sitting room all ready for our party

And then she gave us our presents

And Elsie got a yellow duck and I got a squirrel and then we had a special birthday tea with special beef cupcakes and mango sorbet for pudding.

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And Mum said she was really sorry she had to go away, and if there was anything she could do to change it she would, but she can’t, and it’s just for four days and Grandma’s coming to look after us, which is good cos she spoils us and gives us whatever we want. ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘You don’t mind?’ she said. ‘I s’pose,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘You do know I love you,’ don’t you?’ she said. ‘I s’pose,’ I said. ‘Hey, Mum, can I have a pet sheep?’

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AN AMPU-BIRTHDAY IS DEFINITELY A THING!!!

November 4th, 2016 · 17 Comments · Uncategorized

So next week is the most important week so far in my whole life ever. On Monday I get to be eight years old, which is the most years old I’ve ever been, and then Wednesday is my eight month ampuversary, which is my biggest ampuversary ever. ‘Mum,’ I said, ‘I know you’re really busy, and I don’t want you going to loads of trouble just for a ragged old mutt like me, so if you want to combine my two parties into one, then honestly I totally understand. I mean, we’d obviously do separate presents and cakes, and steaks of course on Monday and Wednesday, but you don’t need to plan two parties as well. We could just have one great big massive one, an Ampu-birthday celebration and invite all my superstar megafriends, and honestly I won’t be upset.’

Well I thought she’d be pleased to see she’d raised such a considerate, thoughtful dog. Meg, she’d say, I’m so proud of you. Thinking of others before yourself. Here, have a piece of chicken. Instead, she’s just sat there staring at me, like what are you talking about! ‘Meg,’ she says, eventually.’I told you. I’m going away!’

I thought it was a wind up, I honestly did. I’m like pull the other one!

‘I told you,’ she said. ‘I’ve got to work. There’s bills to pay.’ Like that’s some sort of excuse. ‘I’m going to Wales. I told you, Meg.’

‘Wales!’ I said. ‘Can I come too?’ Wales is my favourite place in the world. It’s full of sheep and mountains and lakes and sheep. Did I mention the sheep?

‘No,’ she said. ‘You know you can’t. And don’t look at me like that,’ she said. ‘I know what you’re thinking. Stop it.’

‘I’m not,’ I said.

‘Not what?’ she said.

‘I’m not thinking about sheep,’ I said. And she looked at me like gotcha.

fullsizeoutput_b‘You’re missing my Ampu-Birthday,’ I said. 

Then we argued some more but she wouldn’t budge. ‘I’ll make it up to you,’ she said.

‘You’re missing my Ampu-Birthday,’ I said. ‘How can you ever make up for that?’

‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Meg,’ she said. ‘Look, I can’t help it! I’m sorry, okay, but I really can’t help it. I’ve got to go and you can’t come with me and that’s all there is to it, so  just stop going on. And besides,’ she said, ‘an Ampu-Birthday’s not even a thing, okay?’

Which is wrong, cos it is. It most definitely is.  An Ampu-Birthday is definitely a thing.

To be continued…

 

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HAPPY AMPUVERSARY!!!!

October 9th, 2016 · 15 Comments · Uncategorized

So today is my seven month ampuversary, right, and Mum wanted to take some pictures to mark it, and I’m like okay, whatever.

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My 7 month ampuversary portrait.

But then, right, I look round and she’s taking one of Elsie…

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Elsie, posing.

And I’m like, hang on a minute, I thought you said it was my ampuversary! Cos you know that’s Else, right? I mean, I know we look very similar and it’s an easy enough mistake to make, but if you’re not sure, right, just count the legs, cos last time I checked Elsie still had four, which is very strange seeing as how she gets an ampuversary portrait!

The thing is Mum’s all over the moon because she thought Elsie needed an operation and now she doesn’t after all, and Elsie’s like totally full of it cos she got to see this leg doctor, and to be perfectly honest I’m surprised they remembered my ampuversary at all, cos I’m the last dog anyone thinks of. And now Elsie’s going to see my rehab vet, my rehab vet, do you know what I’m saying! ‘You know she’s going to put you on a diet?’ I said. ‘I’ll bet you anything.’ ‘Pig’s ear,’ says Else. ‘Alright,’ I said. ‘I’ll bet you a pig’s ear, but you won’t be allowed to eat it. No more pig’s ears for you,’ I said. ‘No more paté on toast, no more game pie…’ ‘Stop it!’ said Else, and she looked like she was going to start crying.

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‘You know she’s going to put you on a diet?’ I said.

So then I felt a bit guilty, cos she is my sister and she’s not that bad, at least not all the time, only I do wish she wouldn’t get excited and shout when we’re supposed to be stalking squirrels.

‘Look!’ I said. ‘Do you see over there! There’s some tree stumps. Let’s go climbing!’ So we did and it was really fun, cos we both love climbing tree stumps. Then Else said something but I didn’t hear. ‘What was that?’ I said. And she said it again, and I still didn’t hear. ‘You’ll have to speak louder,’ I said. ‘I can’t hear.’ ‘HAPPY AMPUVERSARY!’ she shouted.

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We both love climbing trees stumps.

 

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